Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in chevyrane's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, February 28th, 2006
2:39 pm	A place to ramble I've been thinking really hard lately, about where my life is going and those people in it, whether they are waiting for me to fall flat on my face, or are there to help spend the fortune.... well this may be a sad realization.... but I don't see fortune anytime soon! I'm a little depressed lately.... not exactly sure why I am allowing certain people to make me feel that way. But really, how many times must I allow myself to be treated like crap just to make others feel good about themselves - and how many times does it have to come from my family memebers before I give up and yell F*&K OFF I am only good to them it seems when they need something... other than that the hell with me and my family - I'm not talking about my dad, who has always been there for me thru thick and thin... Oh well.... wish I had more time to ramble... but I have to go... I am here whether you like it or not And I will do right in my life And just because I am better than you expected Doesn't mean you have to be so cruel Grow up - life isn't all about you Current Mood: aggravated (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 31st, 2006
9:51 pm	???? I'm not sure what I want to say.... I'm just sitting here alone, knowing that there are a million and one things I should be doing... but instead I am at this stupid computer writing about nothing.... or maybe it will turn out to be something! It's wierd... I've quit smoking now for almost a month and for some strange reason I find myself going thru more emotions then I care to talk about - crazy what the body will do to you! In all my days I thought I was the strongest person I had ever met, I hardly ever cried or allowed people to make me feel bad. But lately that has all changed. I can't beleive how weak I seem now, it couldn't have been that smoking made me stronger, but it could be that my body now weak and confused is not able to deal with the stress - which smoking and treats did for me. Why does a person allow habits to mask the very thing they are afraid of? And why does it take so long to realize that we are doing just that, masking the real problem with whatever it may be that we use? I've witnessed myself become bored of the things that usually entertained me... nothing in my personal life, because for once I am truely happy with the way things are going. Maybe bored is the wrong word to use, maybe .... crap the word has escaped my mind, but bored is not it now that I think about it... content, content with things... I am now only content with my life at home, everything else is strange. In November my nanny died, and to be honest with you, that hurt me more that any bad relationship, or failed test, or job I might have been fired from. I think pain comes in many different forms, and it never is the same at any one time. But she is gone now - and no matter what I do - I can't shake that. I can't stop thinking that in some way I failed her - Why?? Then I think about my other family - and realize that I am not close to anyone except my father and my little sister.... and that really depresses me. I can't understand why my mom and I can't just get along and be happy with one another - and why does it feel like we are always just having small talk instead of real conversations. And why can't any of my other family memeber be interested in me and what I am doing? Why is it that it takes a death to get everyone in the same room, and why is it always me that has to make the first move????? God that really pisses me off! And why is it that when I make a friend I can never keep them? Why am I always the one being used, and why can't I just get over it? And why was my job once interesting and fun and now it feels like I am always overlooked? Like I said I am not content anymore - and I don't know right now how to fix that problem. I guess the only people that I can count on it my father, my man and my little girl - cuz they are the only ones that don't bend me over and ask me to smile! Yes I am depressed - and yes I need a vacation! Current Mood: crappy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 25th, 2006
3:58 pm	GOOD GIRL!!! Well today has been 17 days that I haven't smoked, and I am so proud of myself. At first I didn't think that I could do it, since I've been smoking since I was 8 years old. You know at first it starts off as a rebelous thing, going behind your parents back, but after a while I smoked to help with stress and boredom. My decision to quit was made after I realized that I wanted more things in life and realized that a lot of my money was going to smokes, as well as other habits that I've also kicked while not smoking! I went to the doctor and was given a perscription for Zyban (which I would not recommend to anyone) So for the first week you smoke while taking 1 pill a day, then the next week you quit smoking and start taking 2 pills. Well after a week of crying a being a miserable B*&%H - I realized that this was just not for me. So now 2 weeks later and I am not taking anything - just using my will power and hoping that it's strong enough to get me thru. I've gotten this far and I am not giving up! I just want to say thank you to Troy and Tristin for putting up with me that first week - I LOVE BOTH OF YOU VERY MUCH!!! Well that's all for now - see ya! Current Mood: determined (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 8th, 2006
8:40 pm	As Happy As Can Be Well 2005 is over with and now it's 2006. I feel like this is going to be a great year, like something wonderful is going to happen to us, I can't say what but it will be great. Troy and I are doing great, and I really think our time off together somehow brought us closer together. I think that we are now comfortable with eachother and trust that the feelings that we share are real. I believe that together we can get thru anything, that together we are stronger than the world. When I am with him, and it could be anywhere, he is all that I see. He is all that I want. Tristin and Troy seem to be getting along great too! I was worried about both of them hitting it off, but you know I think they will be fine. I'm so glad that everything has fallen into place, I know he still has school to go thru, and if he can go here that's great.... I am worried that he will have to go home and things might change, but I'm sure it's just jitters. Well I should go for now... Cinderella was right... dreams do come true, you just have to believe! (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 7th, 2005
11:50 am	Life is good!! Its me again the man that loves Tracy Mckendry very much. The weekend was fun i had a good time, i think tracy did to. I was hammered i nevered got like that in a long time. Christmas is 2 more weeks i can`t wait. I hope that Tracy likes what i got her and Tristin. We are going to decerate the tree to night i can`t wait to see Tristins face and Tracys we are going to have fun together i think, all i had to say that things are going to be okay. WoW bye for now no one can touch us now were on fire! (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 4th, 2005
9:59 pm	Just Having A Beer and Thinking This weekend started off with a crazy introduction.... but I'm hoping that it answered a lot of questions for both of us. I can't say that when this all started that I was certain that it was going to be the real deal, and I've been shocked how everything has gone so fast... I really hadn't expected it. You often say that you don't know me.... you search looking for something... anything... This much I can tell you... I love you because you hold me tight at night. And how easy I can fall asleep. I love you because you hold be when I cry. And it makes me feel like everything is really going to be okay. I love looking into your eyes when you tell me you love me. Cuz it looks like you really mean it. Or how you smile when you say I'm crazy. I love how you involve tristin in everything we do. And how you try and spend as much time as you can with her. I love you because you are a great listener. And I love listening to you tell me things about back home. I love you because you go the extra mile. You make sure that everyone is happy. I love the fact that you like to eat macdonalds - and now I can say your order off by heart...:) I love that we sort of came from the same side of the street - so you understand where I'm coming from. I love you because you look out for me - and I know that if I ever needed anything you would be right there. And even sometime when you get out of line and say things that you shouldn't say or over re-act - I know you do it because you care... I believe in you, and I believe in us. Well I'm going to bed now...scarface is almost over. I love you Troy, no matter what! (Comment on this)
Friday, December 2nd, 2005
12:43 pm	Just So You Know Let me explain to you the situation. I have had a very shitty life so far within the last couple of years... finding partners that have no sense of respect for me or my child, people who have used me - and some that keep on doing it. And yes, there have been a few people that I have seen that have met me when I was down and out - and still decided to hurt me knowing that I could not go threw with that again. But then I met Troy - who I thought was very different compared to all the other people I've meet. Sure he has his down falls - lets start off my saying that he slept with me for a number of weeks knowing that he wasn't going to stay in Brampton before he decided to tell me - although all his friends had already clued me in.... And then he decided to move in with me - initally so that he could save money... but then said it was because he liked me. Although him deciding to stay came with a whole lot of rules. 1) Deleting friends names from my phone 2) Deleting friends names from my computer 3) Not being able to go out without him 4) Him going thru all my personal stuff - although if he had asked I would have gone thru stuff with him WILL I EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU???? He bitches cuz I never write good stuff about him on my computer, when does he ever give me time?? He is always accusing me of cheating on him... even though I go no where - and have no friends. And how is it that you claim to love me - but the other night I was a tramp, today I am a lier and a whore.... it never stops. I can't write about the guy I love, cuz I don't know if loving him is what he wants from me. I thought Tristin and I would be safe now... no more tears, no more pain.. Was I wrong.... help me see please (Comment on this)
Monday, August 8th, 2005
3:32 pm	My Broken Heart Will Heal - It Must!!! Well...., um what is there to say - except that I've been fooled again..., don't ever believe the smile. Ryan turned out to be just as bad as any other stupid boy I thought was out of this world.... remembering why I never went after these type of smooth guys a little 2 late. Yep..., so it looks like I am on my own again. But regardless of how I may feel now, I know things will get better - they just have too! I've jumped thru the hoops, crawled on my belly, begged for forgiveness..., now I just want something good to turn my way. I will continue to have faith and hope - although not as much has I had before. Can't find the strength to see the good in much right now, but have no tears to cry. Well I will get off the stage for now - I'm sure it's about time. Current Mood: rejected (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 7th, 2005
2:55 pm	Yeah Baby! I've spent the last few years searching for something... never really knowing what it was I was looking for exactly. I think I found something better anyway - something that I always had the potential to have right from the start. A beautiful daughter, great friends, and a good job. For so long I've stood in the back thinking that I had such rotten luck, or that the man upstairs didn't really like me - hell I was wrong. Finally a smile (a real one) has grown across my face.. there will be no turning back. Thank you to all who have had faith in me, kicked me in the ass, and made me see that giving up would have been the worst mistake of my life! I love all of you! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, June 17th, 2005
11:18 am	I am unstopable now Hey People, So many wonderful things have begun to happen to me lately it's unbelievable. For a short time I thought life was just a horrible place and that I would never beable to manage - well I was wrong. The sun is shining - the birds are out - and you never know what your going to get in a box of chocolates! (Comment on this)